Homeschooling For Goofballs

Tired of questions/comments about why you’re distinctly NOT starting school this week?

Yearn to relate to the kids down the road? Here are a few suggestions:

• Count to ten in garbled Pig Latin.
• Wax poetic.
• Wax the floor and then slip around in your socks.
• Dangle a participle or two.
• See how many sentences you can end with a preposition.
• Go on a quest for that ever-elusive socialization (hints: wear clothes, don’t drool, if possible avoid barking and licking people, DON’t bring a purple crayon.)
• Sit in a row, stand in a line, pee with permission – just to see how the other side lives.
• Drizzle glue on a mustache-shaped anything; stick under nose or above lip, whichever is most convenient; do a wee dance.
• Procrastinate with gusto.
• When speaking insert the word “like” every third or forth word.
• Speak very slowly and make every phrase you utter sound like a question?
• Insist on coloring within the lines until you fall off your chair/fall off to sleep/go into a coma.
• Fry eggs in a purple tutu. Eat them very very fast so you don’t miss imaginary bus.
• Bleat like a sheep (if you are a vegetarian bleat like a nice, conformist broccoli.)
• Glance furtively at grandma until she casts you a withering look.
• Call your Aunt Mildred.
• Roll yourself into a ball and suck your toes with your baby brother/sister.
• Twirl your nose ring to see if it improves your eyesight.
• Make your own dress code; revise it daily; feel the magic.
• Stitch things together then rip apart as a character building exercise (perhaps complete this task before attempting quest for socialization.)
• Read a book you don’t like. Read another. And another. Be happy about it.
• Say ketchup over and over again until you feel dizzy.
• Drool pretty-colored spittle down your chin after eating water ice at a non-designated time.
• Rhyme things with sheep (or lamb if you’re squeamish.)
• Suck cream out of donuts in local Wawa; put them back when someone’s looking. (perhaps avoid this pastime if you are contemplating above-suggested quest for socialization.)
• Stare down your cat.
• Start a yipping contest with your dog.
• Worry about disgruntled giraffe but only on Tuesdays at 10am.
• Avoid speaking to anyone outside your age group between 7am and 4pm unless it’s a designated adult.
• Draw faces on the undersides of your toes. Soak feet in jello. Try to make sense of it all.
• When you feel the urge to say something, wave your hand in the air and squeak and/our bounce until someone says your name.
• Compare apples to oranges.
• Squish your sandwich to get that organic lunch-traveled-to-school-via-book-filled-backpack experience. (PB&J works best.)
• Practice cool-sounding karate noises.
• Yodel in desperately mismatched socks.
• Sweep marbles and hairballs around the kitchen floor.
• Stifle feelings of utility without yawning, crossing your eyes or shaking your head.
• Catch bugs on tongue and chew thoughtfully (see bleating exercise above for vegetarian suggestion.*)
• Crinkle your nose at warp speed.
• Cultivate a lifelong interest in wienerschnitzle.
• Visualize Engelbert Humperdinck.
• Read A Fiddler’s Foot and Other Folktales.
• Whistle Dixie with a kazoo.
• Don’t laugh, giggle, squirm, sing, gloat, simmer, bubble or boil unless someone insists.
• Remember to set time limit for every activity. When time is up STOP and leave task hanging in midair like a long-forgotten fart.*you may substitute an obliging cruciferous vegetable of choice.There, that should keep you busy for a while. Next issue – homework.

Tags: humor, joke, jokes