Tired of questions/comments about why you’re distinctly NOT starting school this week?
Yearn to relate to the kids down the road? Here are a few suggestions:
- Count to ten in garbled Pig Latin.
- Wax poetic.
- Wax the floor and then slip around in your socks.
- Dangle a participle or two.
- See how many sentences you can end with a preposition.
- Go on a quest for that ever-elusive socialization (hints: wear clothes, don’t drool, if possible avoid barking and licking people, DON’t bring a purple crayon.)
- Sit in a row, stand in a line, pee with permission – just to see how the other side lives.
- Drizzle glue on a mustache-shaped anything; stick under nose or above lip, whichever is most convenient; do a wee dance.
- Procrastinate with gusto.
- When speaking insert the word “like” every third or forth word.
- Speak very slowly and make every phrase you utter sound like a question?
- Insist on coloring within the lines until you fall off your chair/fall off to sleep/go into a coma.
- Fry eggs in a purple tutu. Eat them very very fast so you don’t miss imaginary bus.
- Bleat like a sheep (if you are a vegetarian bleat like a nice, conformist broccoli.)
- Glance furtively at grandma until she casts you a withering look.
- Call your Aunt Mildred.
- Roll yourself into a ball and suck your toes with your baby brother/sister.
- Twirl your nose ring to see if it improves your eyesight.
- Make your own dress code; revise it daily; feel the magic.
- Stitch things together then rip apart as a character building exercise (perhaps complete this task before attempting quest for socialization.)
- Read a book you don’t like. Read another. And another. Be happy about it.
- Say ketchup over and over again until you feel dizzy.
- Drool pretty-colored spittle down your chin after eating water ice at a non-designated time.
- Rhyme things with sheep (or lamb if you’re squeamish.)
- Suck cream out of donuts in local Wawa; put them back when someone’s looking. (perhaps avoid this pastime if you are contemplating above-suggested quest for socialization.)
- Stare down your cat.
- Start a yipping contest with your dog.
- Worry about disgruntled giraffe but only on Tuesdays at 10am.
- Avoid speaking to anyone outside your age group between 7am and 4pm unless it’s a designated adult.
- Draw faces on the undersides of your toes. Soak feet in jello. Try to make sense of it all.
- When you feel the urge to say something, wave your hand in the air and squeak and/our bounce until someone says your name.
- Compare apples to oranges.
- Squish your sandwich to get that organic lunch-traveled-to-school-via-book-filled-backpack experience. (PB&J works best.)
- Practice cool-sounding karate noises.
- Yodel in desperately mismatched socks.
- Sweep marbles and hairballs around the kitchen floor.
- Stifle feelings of utility without yawning, crossing your eyes or shaking your head.
- Catch bugs on tongue and chew thoughtfully (see bleating exercise above for vegetarian suggestion.*)
- Crinkle your nose at warp speed.
- Cultivate a lifelong interest in wienerschnitzle.
- Visualize Engelbert Humperdinck.
- Read A Fiddler’s Foot and Other Folktales.
- Whistle Dixie with a kazoo.
- Don’t laugh, giggle, squirm, sing, gloat, simmer, bubble or boil unless someone insists.
- Remember to set time limit for every activity. When time is up STOP and leave task hanging in midair like a long-forgotten fart.*you may substitute an obliging cruciferous vegetable of choice.There, that should keep you busy for a while. Next issue – homework.
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